mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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