I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
