I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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