I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
