Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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