i would punch a child for taco bell
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
