not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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