I feel great
I just peed on a car
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
