Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
