I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
