dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
