If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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