i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I die, sorry about rent.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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