I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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