I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
