Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
do nipples grow back?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
