We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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