bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
