Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
