I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
