it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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