can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
