I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
