What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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