i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
