Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
