all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
