...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
