omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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