Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
