everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
