My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
