He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
