im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
