whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
