I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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