Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
