Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
