I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I queefed so loud it echoed.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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