I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
