CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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