I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
