I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
