I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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