I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
