I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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