i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
