Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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