No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
