11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
