Swine flu. Run for my life!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
