Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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