I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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