If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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